The explaining of Doom 3 craving

Let me start by saying that my use of analogies is famously bad.

So now with that out of the way (or should I say, in mind), I am going to try and explain my illogical craving for Doom 3 BFG edition….using an analogy.

Picture me if you will, as a teenage boy.  A sexually confused teenage boy, coming of age in a predominately straight world. Laid out before me is a beautiful woman, mine for the taking.  Her mind could be described as little on the brain dead side, but she has the body of Lucy Pinder and the sexual experience of a veteran MILF pornstar.

I’ve convinced myself this is what I want.  I mean how can it not be?  In truth this is not even my first time.  I’d had sex before.  Ok I hadn’t really enjoyed it, but that must have just been because I was too young to understand it.  It will be different this time.  This time its with the best looking, most experienced woman to date.  Finally I’ll understand and appreciate what everyone has been telling me all my life; how great it is to have sex with a woman.  I mean this is fundamental stuff right?

So I unwrap her, stick the disc firmly in the drive and get down to giving her a good seeing to.  She truly is beautiful and really does know what she’s doing.  On the surface I understand why people would enjoy this.  I understand why people tell me that I should enjoy this.  All the elements are there, conducive of an enjoyable experience.  However something isn’t quite right.  Under the surface something is nagging at me.  Although I accept why people enjoy this, something just feels wrong for me.  A little voice that is trying to tell me something.  This is a lie.  This is forced.  Its then that the realisation hits me!

I WANT COCK!!!

No matter what I do or how hard I try to convince myself otherwise, I cannot change who I am.  It doesn’t matter what popular opinion or the majority vote is.  I can’t force myself to like something, even if peer pressure makes me feel wrong about my decision.

That is why I won’t like Doom 3 BFG Edition

Playing Doom 3 is like making love to a beautiful woman

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Doom 3 BFG Edition, why do I crave you?

When Doom was released in 1993 it was kinda a big thing.  It was a big thing to everyone except me.  I thought it was shit.  Sure I gave it a go like everyone did.  For the first hour or so it was actually fairly decent.  As time went on though, I found myself running down the same looking corridors, looking for keys to open doors into other identical looking corridors, getting hopelessly lost and actually getting depressed by it all.  Doom 2?  Not even on my radar.

Then Quake was released a few years later and it was kind of a big thing.  It was a big thing for everyone except me.  I thought it was shit. Apparently its a different game, but to me it was just more doom.

Between the big two, my hatred of FPS was pretty much cemented and the ice didn’t really thaw until Goldeneye came along.  My love of Goldeneye forced me to start accepting the FPS genre and it went on to become one of my favourites.  My new love of FPS had me buying all kinds of shooters and years later when Doom 3 came out, I thought I’d give it a chance.  It looked impressive, it was getting decent reviews and I was quite up for some mindless demon killing.  I fired it up, got about an hour or so in…… and I thought it was shit.

So this all leads me to a question that I’m fairly perplexed about.  Why the fuck am I hyped for the Doom 3 BFG Edition.  A new edition of a game that I think is shit.  I’m an asthma sufferer.  I wake up in the early hours in the morning struggling to breathe.  I think its shit.  If my doctor phoned me up to say there is a new version of Asthma coming out, I wouldn’t be on the pre-order list. SO WHY THE FUCK AM I HYPED FOR DOOM 3 BFG EDITION?

At this point you’re probably thinking I’m about to drop the bomb.  Some profound angle simultaneously explaining and validating my seemingly misplaced hype.  Alas, I am not….

Probably best that we put it down to me being a total bellend and leave it at that.

Doom 3 BFG Edition is due for release on PC, PS3 and XBOX 360 on 19th October 2012