1 Million Dollars


Love them or hate them, gaming needs its bad guys. Without them there would usually be no game. Villains come in many different forms with a variety of motives that drive them, but few are as heinous as these sadistic fucks:



It may come as quite a surprise to learn that one of gamings most iconic characters is actually a fucking douche-bag. Mario’s quest to save the perpetually kidnapped Princess may seem noble enough, but it’s worth noting that some of history’s most evil acts have been committed with the greatest of intentions. Mario – smacked off his tits on magic mushrooms – sets off to find the princess: going on a no-holds-barred rampage through the Kingdom, killing everything in the process. Most of the “enemies” he murders along the way show no signs of aggression towards of him at all, in fact most are just minding their own business. It’s perfectly reasonable to assume that the ones that do – like the hammer throwing dudes that show up later on – are simply acting out of self defence, after hearing about a moustachioed monster that is on the loose. Even that berk that flies around on a cloud – dropping those spiky fuckers everywhere – is probably just doing his bit to try end the massacre. What’s worse is that Mario’s been pulling this shit for over 30 years now, and still hasn’t learnt that the end doesn’t justify the means.

Tom Nook


If you ever needed proof that looks can be deceptive, than look no further than the doe eyed shyster, Tom Nook. From the moment you arrive in town you’re in Tom’s debt, which means you’re in his pocket. This unscrupulous loan shark eases you in gently, before doubling his costs with each iteration. Once he has you in his financial grip, he’ll take full advantage of the situation by forcing you to work all hours in his shop. As you carry out your life in the cutesy world of Animal Crossing, you’ll never quite escape the feeling of Toms presence, lurking in the background like a malevolent dark cloud on the horizon. Some even claim that the villagers that “move on to other towns” have in fact been whacked by Tom for missing loan repayments, and are now sleeping with the fishes. The game may be called Animal Crossing, but you should never cross Tom Nook.



On the surface Steve seems like a pretty regular guy, simply trying to forge out an existence for himself in the somewhat hostile over-world that he spawns into. Sure, he may butcher a few animals along the way, but this is merely basic survival and all part of natures food chain. In an effort to build shelter and tools, he may also participate in some minor deforestation, but never anything exceeding sustainable levels. Hidden beneath the surface is a darker desire though, one the serves no purpose other than to satisfying Steve’s thirst for blood.  Deep within another dimension, lives the fabled Ender Dragon. Despite posing no threat to Steve’s existence, he makes it his goal in life to slay this mythical creature and steal her unborn child. As if that wasn’t bad enough, other will need to die as well in order to fulfil his twisted dream. Travelling to the nether realm, blazes will be harvested for their rods and back on the over-world, innocent Endermen will be cut down en mass for their pearls. No price is too high in the face of Steve’s brutal ambition to drive an endangered species to extinction.

Professor Oak


Operating out of his laboratory in Pallet town, Professor Samuel Oak spends his time brainwashing impressionable young children into a life of animal cruelty. Tooling kids up with their first slave creature, he sends them out into the world and instructs them that they must use it to fight with other animals. The sick bastard even gives them an encyclopaedia in which he makes them log all the details of the animals they find, fight and enslave. It’s unclear why he does this and what his true motives are, but his mission statement is perfectly clear: You can’t stop until you’ve enslaved them all.


Bus Wankers

Over the course of history, gaming has amassed a pretty eclectic arsenal of weapons in its armoury. These range from brutal weapons like the cerebral bore, amusing ones like South Parks cow launcher and through to the truly iconic ones, such as Dooms shotgun. However, it’s rare that anyone takes the time to give a shout out to the fucking annoying ones: the ones that have you muttering “mother fucker” under your breath, as you shake your head at the screen. Here are some of the best, annoying weapons.

Proximity Mines (Goldeneye 007)

Goldeneye may have been a great game with an awesome multiplayer, but these little fuckers were a real pain in the arse. Once enabled, it wasn’t long before each level was littered with these insta-death bastards. The only saving grace was that no one really got the chance to be overly smug with them. You’d rarely get the chance to finish chuckling over a successful kill before you yourself would get a taste of the same medicine. You’d round a corner and then “BOOM!”, another life lost to someone else’s hidden death-trap.

"Mwahaha.......oh, fuck it"

“Mwahaha…….oh, fuck it”

Today’s variant would probably be the claymore. Although generally more balanced than Goldeneys legacy version, they still won’t have you cheering “Well played”, as you wait for your character to respawn.

N00b Tubes (Multiple titles)

A classic example of why we can’t have nice things. I’ve not played a recent release where the grenade launcher hasn’t been nerfed into irrelevance. It’s for good reason though. I still remember the early days of COD, where you’d spawn into a brand new match and straight into a mortar strike of ‘tubes from the opposing side.

'cos it takes skill when we do it

‘cos it takes skill when we do it

That said, I do think the infamous noob-tube has been overly chastised for its crimes. For every brainless tubing maniac, there is a dedicated tubing professional. OK, maybe that ratio is more like 10 to 1: anyway, the point is that there is an skilful art to successful tubing. Launching a grenade half way across a map and straight through a first floor window takes not only practice, but also a healthy understanding of trajectories. Unfortunately it’s an unrespected art, and kills via the grenade launcher – no matter how skilful – are still worth less than nothing.

Tracer Dart Gun (Battlefield Bad Company)

The intended use of this weapon was to tag enemy armour, allowing engineers rockets to home in on the target. The common usage however, was to shoot allied troops – especially recon (snipers) – in the face with it, lighting them up like a Yuletide Christmas tree.


Bringing a whole new meaning to lighting someone up

Not only was this aesthetically pleasing to the griefer, but the unsuspecting victim would also be treated to the annoying red flash on their HUD, until such time that the enemy put them out of their misery. It was one of those things that was kinda amusing the first time, then just fucking annoying the next hundred times.

C4 (Multiple titles)

Explosive kills are always a bitter pill to swallow, but C4 tends to be especially frustrating. If it was a matter of a carefully placed trap, setup at a natural choke point and detonated remotely, then it might be tolerable.

"But only ever used for suicide bombing"

“But only ever used for suicide bombing”

However, that’s almost never the case. What you get instead is some psychotic little maniac chasing you with C4 and, in their desperation to get a kill, blowing themselves up in the process. Yeah, nice one you suicidal twat. You can’t really claim that’s a win, if you take yourself out in the process. How about talking yourself out of the fucking game in future?

Blue Shell (Mario Kart)

This one is the winner for me. It takes a special kind of arsehole to design a weapon like this. In fact, the levels of arseholary here are so high that it actually borders on the commendable. The blue shell has one purpose: to punish people for winning. Once launched, this unblock-able weapon locks onto whoever is in first place and blows the shit out of them. You can be out in front the entire game, out classing everyone in the match, only for some arsehole to fire one of these right before the finish line to rob you of your win.

Because luck trumps skill

Because luck trumps skill

Die hard Mario Kart’ers will no doubt claim that tactical positioning is all part of the game: staying in the middle of the pack and making your move in the final furlong, like you’re Frankie Dettori on wheels. That’s bollocks though. Frankie isn’t faced with the green shell, fireball, boomerang randomness of keeping the pace; neither is he blue shelled into oblivion when he gets out in front and there’s nothing more annoying than a catch 22.